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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26180941">damnatio memoriae</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesbigoblin/pseuds/sloane'>sloane (lesbigoblin)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Critical Role (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Memory Alteration, Non-Consensual Haircuts, Non-Linear Narrative, Trans Female Character, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, Unreliable Narrator, Unrequited Love</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 04:48:52</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,850</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26180941</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesbigoblin/pseuds/sloane</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>magic is amoral.<br/>-<br/>“it is an act of love still, sir.”<br/>-<br/>“so just. tell me, i guess. something youd be okay with forgetting.”<br/>-<br/>or, caleb volunteers herself as jester's guinea pig for testing modify memory</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jester Lavorre &amp; Caleb Widogast, The Mighty Nein &amp; Caleb Widogast</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>57</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>damnatio memoriae</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>this is not proofread because its more of a "throwing paint at the wall because i have so much paint and so much wall" scenario. hope you enjoy anyway! also, more trans girl caleb! hooray</p>
<p>please heed the tags. </p>
<p>one important note based on tags (minor spoilers): the "non consensual haircut" refers to an attempt made to nonconsensually cut a characters hair that is not successful. if you would still like to skip it, stop reading at the section that starts with "it is standard procedure" and resume reading at the section the begins "caleb wakes up, dazed"</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>magic is amoral.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>caleb runs her fingers up the inside of her arm and imagines the material dust for Disintegrate dragging against her skin. claps her hands together and fantasizes about the sensation of a Fireball sparking between her palms. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>magic is amoral because the same spell that slaughters innocents can slay evil dragons. magic is amoral because it is a vessel for the morality of the caster. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>jester is a bright light</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>caleb watches, hand on her chest like it would suppress the ache, as jester indelicately bangs her fingers against piano keys. perhaps it should sound dreadful - would, were it not for the joy on jester’s face. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>jester is a bright light because she has so much joy in her heart and wants more than anything to share it. jester is a bright light and caleb wants to </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>magic is amoral. jester is a bright light. theres a logical confusion, but one quality both magic and jester tend to share is an intentional and precise defiance of logic, or at least logic as caleb understand it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>or, one night in the dark, just the two of them in the tavern common room, jester swallows.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“whats it like,” she says, “to have your memory messed with?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>caleb shrinks into herself and before she can open her mouth, jester keeps going “i dont mean to pry or anything, i was just asking because, you know, i dont want to do it if its bad, and i figured youd know better than anyone else here how….it….mmmh…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“its fine, jester,” caleb says. “and. nothing. it feels like nothing.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“oh. i guess that makes sense.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>--</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>master ikithon says, “you know what must be done.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>bren nods.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“i know you loved them very much. but they are traitors. it has to be done.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“it is an act of love still, sir.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>master ikithon smiles.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>--</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“do the altered memories feel different, in hindsight?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>caleb is reviewing notes from her latest dunamancy lesson with essek. keeping her shoulders loose is easy enough to do, a practiced gesture to hide the tension building up in her spine. a glass too close to the edge of a table.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“sorry?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“like, i mean, i know you can't tell fake memories from real ones when youre under the spell, but, like, afterwards? now. like, when you think about those fake memories do you just know theyre fake, or do they like, feel different?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>caleb frowns, really considers it in relation to spell construction. how meticulous it must be, to fabricate a memory and for it to remain solid after the fact.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“i suppose all memories would look different in hindsight, ja? they are all defined by their context, so the fake ones are defined by the fact that they are fake. i think the question you are asking - it is a good question, but i dont know if id be able to tell the difference myself.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>jester sighs, grumbles. “that makes sense i guess.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“besides,” caleb taps her own temple, “i doubt i am the best candidate when it comes to talking about the average person’s memories.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“that is true, you are so smart, caleb”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>--</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>she is running. there is blood on her clothes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>the necklace. no her</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>necklace. no her</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>amulet. precision of words is important it is important to be precise in your language.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>her amulet is clutched in her hand. she is running. there is blood on the clothes she is wearing.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>for the first time in eleven years, ten months, thirteen days, twenty-three hours, and forty three minutes, bren remembers the last thing her mother and father said to her. remembers the last time they smiled. perhaps their last words.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>perhaps the last time they kissed each other.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>the last time they hugged her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>the last time her mother ran her fingers through her hair and</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>bren collapses to the ground and screams.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>she tries to recreate the sensation with her own shaking hands but she can't, can't because</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>of the amulet that she needs to be holding and</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>because of all the blood, all the blood</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>and the memory.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>--</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“are you sure youre okay with this, caleb?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>no, she isnt</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“yes, of course.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>jester and beaus room is very soft. the floor is one of the only ones in the house with a full carpet and its soft and well kept under calebs hands and feet. the sweater and pants she's wearing are also soft. for all intents and purposes she should be alright. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>and yet she</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“i promise it isnt going to hurt.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>i know, she wants to say. i know that it isnt going to hurt, jester, because ive done this before. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“thank you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“so just. tell me, i guess. something youd be okay with forgetting.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>--</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>it is standard procedure. bren sits in a wooden chair in a back room behind master ikithon’s office.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>her arms are held against the arms of the chair by a pair of leather cuffs. ikithon is on the other side of the room preparing tools.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>the procedure will be painful, but it will make her stronger. there are countless scars on her arms already to prove it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>ikithon crosses the room to her holding a tray. she sees a small dish of crystals, the standard scalpel and suture for the surgery and,</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>a pair of scissors.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“before we begin,” master ikithon says as he walks behind her, sets down the tray, “i wanted to briefly address a different problem ive been noticing.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>bren has barely opened her mouth to question what he means when she feels a hand pull her ponytail loose.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>her heart skips a beat, and in that moment flowing in her veins in something chemical, something colder than death.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“master ikithon, please-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“hush, bren. sit still and youll be able to keep more-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>master ikithon is cut off by the sound of screaming, some horrid and extraplanar monster being born and living and suffering and dying all in an instant and it takes bren several seconds to realize that the monster is her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>bren thrashes like a kicked horse, a wolf denied a meal, stamping her feet and pulling at the leather cuffs and even in hindsight caleb struggles to recall exactly what happened.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>master ikithon clicks his tongue, separates a lock of her hair, pulls.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>and then the chair is on fire.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>--</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“wait, wait” jester starts</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“i dont know, i dont know, it just was. it was probably me, but-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>--</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>next thing she knows eodwulf is in the doorway, shouting, questioning, and bren feels herself dematerializing from the chair and reforming, collapsed on eodwulfs chest.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>hes picking her up, and master ikithon says over the still roaring fire. “when miss ermendrud collects herself, please let her know that i had no intention of actually cutting her hair. this was a test. she failed.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>--</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>caleb wakes up, dazed, jesters hand on her shoulder.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“are you alright?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“what did you change.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>jester frowns. “you know i can't tell you that. i want to, but, but-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>--</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“just dont let yourself break,” astrid says.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“that's not fair to her,” wulf butts in, “you know that. anything else and she would have been fine. its his own damn fault for doing something so targeted.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>--</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>jesters experiments continue for the next several months. she starts to use memory altering magic more often in combat, against their enemies. caleb is proud of how precise and effective it is, even if seeing it makes her-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“you know,” caduceus says, “you dont have to let her do this.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>something dark twists in calebs gut, something hungry. it is plain to see how useful the tests have been for the party, and it is not as if she could be doing something better, something more useful.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>selfishly, she imagines being made into something redeemable by the woman she loves. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“you know i do. and you know why, too, i think.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>he sips his tea. says nothing.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>--</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“is there anything else that you can think of. that hurts? that would be okay to lose?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>in that moment caleb realizes that there is so much that she hasnt told jester. why? jester is bright. magic is amoral. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>she did not mean to kill her parents. it was, it was magic, used against her. she realizes that jester, of all people, would surely understand. jester knows this magic better than anyone. how silly caleb has been to keep this from her-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>so caleb carves herself open, shows her soft underbelly to jesters kinda and careful hands. weeps openly over the death of her parents at her own hands, leans, truly unapologetic for the first time in nearly two decades, into jesters warm embrace-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>--</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>caleb widogast wakes up the next morning. her bed is soft and her blankets are warm. the gentle sunlight on her skin slowly replaces drowsiness with a soft joy, the sort of joy that comes on the morning of a wonderful day.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>she washes her face, briefly, and brushes her teeth. decides to head into the kitchen in her pajamas - can't think of a reason not to. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>the gentle murmur of morning and talk and teakettles greets her. beau, veth, and fjord are all in the kitchen, with the former silently eating her breakfast and the latter two bickering over something. or perhaps nothing. the thought makes caleb smile.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“hallo, everyone.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“morning caleb!” veth says, quickly. “you look great! sleep well?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>she nods as she pours herself a cup of tea, sits down. “ja. i feel quite nice today. where are the others?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“caduceus and jester are off looking for spell components, i think?” veth replies, her questioning tone confirmed by a nod from beau. “and yashas up in the garden.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“that's wonderful. sorry, can you, ah, remind me. what were we going to do next?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>the pause that fills the room is uncomfortable. the other three all pause, looking confused between her and each other. she feels her face scrunch up, opens her mouth to say something when fjord says</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“we were. planning to head up to rexxentrum. to deal with the cerberus assembly?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>caleb snaps her fingers, perks up. “oh, ja! that's right! sorry, i forgot.” she laughs, barely catches how no one else does. “do you think we could make a stop along the way? by, ah, by my hometown? i want to introduce all of you to my parents.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>the three of them all share a look, all severe and serious.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“is. is that a problem? we dont have to, i just-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“caleb.” beau says.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“they are good people! i honestly - i can't figure out why i havent thought of this before.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“caleb,” beau repeats at the same time that veth turns and says “fjord” and fjord says “i know.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“ja, beauregard?” caleb replies, feeling something like annoyance pool in her gut - whats wrong with them, she wonders. she figured that this could be a nice, happy stop on a serious mission, but-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“what are your parents’ names?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>she scoffs. “una and leofric. didnt i,” she frowns, “didnt i tell you this already, beauregard?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“just - just trust me. whats their last name”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“that's a silly question, beauregard. its,” she pauses, considers, and it must be “widogast. its my last name. why would their last name be different.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>fjord stands up. beau puts her head in her hands.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“im going to fucking kill her,” veth says.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>fjords pulling on a cloak. “veth, no. im going to get caduceus.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“you are all acting very strangely. whats going on?” she feels the tension in the room building inexplicably and its all so much and beaus hand is under her arm, pulling her up out of her seat. “beau-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“cmon, caleb. i need you to trust me. youre sick, i- somethings very wrong. you need to lay down. cad, cad will help when he gets back.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“im going to fucking kill her, i dont care”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“did i say something wrong?” caleb feels her stomach lurch as beau pulls her up. her knees feel weak as she racks her brain for answers, for why her friends are so upset with her, and realizes that there are </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>gaps</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>in the past several days and she cannot</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>remember</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>what she was doing last night and she realizes a second too late that that's</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>wrong</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“beau-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>and she feels her knees fully give</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>--</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“i dont want to say i told you so, but…” caduceus says less than an hour later.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“i dont know what youre talking about”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>he laughs. “normally id assume youre being childish, but, all things considered, youre probably being sincere. now, hold still. this might sting.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>--</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“there we are” the woman says</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>and bren is suddenly herself again.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>it is sudden. and painful. and it is so, so right. she remembers everything with such an instant and perfect clarity that she is briefly blinded.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>--</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>caleb wakes up slowly. she's fairly sure its the same morning, the same bed, and yet</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>oh.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>she sits up and her head throbs. sensation and self buzz weakly under her skin and she's grasping at them</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>and then, before caleb can even open her mouth to groan, small hands are pushing her back against the bed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“hey, hey, its alright,” veth says. “caduceus said you shouldnt try and move around right away. how are you feeling?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“im….mmh...what happened?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>veth frowns. “a lot, i think. i dont know all the details - the others are talking to jester right now. hang on, here-” she passes her a glass of water, helps her sit up enough to get a sip “im, uh. not allowed in the room with her right now.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“...veth.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“look at what she did to you caleb! what was i supposed to do? not be angry?!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>caleb scoffs into the glass, takes another slow sip. “i dont know. i just….”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>she remembers many things at once, in waves. a piano. an agreement. a confession. ...a lot of confessions.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>something primal inside of her aches, something older than song and born out of love, something that she didnt know was inside of her, could be in someone like her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“i want to talk to jester.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>veth sighs, frowns. “i told you, im not allowed-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“i want to talk to jester alone.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“fine. just- at least finish your water, first?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“ja, i will.” she reaches over, between them, and holds veths hand in hers. “thank you, veth. i love you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“i love you too, caleb.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>veth watches over her, dutifully, as she finishes her glass, and then leaves the room. caleb hears something like commotion but drowns it out, lets it fade into the background noise.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>it is everything to keep herself on some kind of precipice because she knows that she deserves the headache, and the awkwardness and the guilt and pain but</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>she also knows a version of herself, now, who would be horrified at such a thought.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>a knock.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“caleb? its- its jester.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“come in.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>the door opens slowly, creaking slightly. jester stays close to it, clinging to it so that caleb can see the indents her claws leave in the wood.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“are you feeling okay?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>caleb shrugs. “not really, but-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“im sorry-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“im not mad at you, jester. you did nothing wrong.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“that's not true, caleb!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“i was happier-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“so what! so what, caleb! i hurt you. i, i, i changed you, and i made it so youd want to be changed again- even if you didn’t, really-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“jester-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“you just thought so, because of what i did! maybe, maybe you were happier, but you werent getting better, caleb! you, you were…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>caleb opens her arms. “jester. please. come here.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>she does. crosses the room and  climbs up on calebs bed and leans into her embrace.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“im sorry caleb,” she says, crying. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“i know.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“i didnt mean to hurt you,”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“i know.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“im sorry i wiped your memory even when you didnt ask, like when you said you had feelings for me i just panicked, i-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“because you dont feel the same. i know. i remember.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“im sorry i made you forget a lot about your parents.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>caleb just rubs her hand down jesters back.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“caleb?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“i know.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>--</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>they sit in silence for a while. jester leaves. beau brings in dinner. they talk about nothing. caleb cries after she leaves.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>--</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>caleb decides that magic is not amoral, and that jester is a bright light most of the time, but not exclusively.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>for the next week she has nightmares about the version of her with happy, loving parents who loves herself and isnt irredeemably damned.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>the version of her who is unruined will become a teacher, or perhaps a librarian, in the small town of blumenthal that sorely needs it. she will take a spouse and adopt a small child and do things for the people around her out of love.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>and she will die painfully, unnecessarily. brutally slaughtered in the war.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>beloved and deserving it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>and the thing that makes caleb wake up sobbing is that the version of her that jester shaped out of gentle violence, of careless love, is fondly remembered. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>comments are, once again, on review in case of weird shit/transphobia. lots of love!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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